Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
