I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
