I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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