Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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