Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
