I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
