My sheets look like a crime scene.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
