What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
