He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
