I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
