if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You are a genius and a whore.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize