So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
