***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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