I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A+ Viking dick
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
