I wish my penis had an off switch
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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