first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
