i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
