so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
