his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
