im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
