i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
