This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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