anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
