she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
