I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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