So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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