I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
