You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
