My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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