it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
