Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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