I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
