i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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