Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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