Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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