now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize