my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I love having hate sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
