I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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