I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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