I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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