Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
