Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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