last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
