I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
