As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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