You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
