She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
