I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
