Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize