I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
