I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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