I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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