What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
