I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize