I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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