Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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