My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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