i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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