i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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