and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
