i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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