I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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