Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
