If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
