she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
