3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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