hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize